We all occasionally say things we really wish we hadn’t, especially when meeting new people. For some reason, meeting a deaf person seems to really bring out those moments in people. In the hopes of helping you avoid these embarrassing moments, I’m sharing 10 things you should never say when meeting a deaf person. All of which, in case you’re wondering, have been said to me. And my friends. More than once.
1 – Oh, I’m sorry. (And then walking away.)
Deaf people are really not that scary. When someone tells you they can’t hear you, try making sure you’re looking directly at the person when you talk to them. Speak clearly, but don’t exaggerate your lip movements. Or, hey, get a piece of paper or use your phone to write down what you’re saying.
2 – How do you drive?
I use my eyes. How do YOU drive?? I’m amazed at how many people think that deaf people cannot–or should not–get their driver’s license. Studies have shown that deaf drivers are no more likely to get in to an accident than hearing drivers, and actually tend to have lower accident rates.
3 – Can you read?
I have now been asked this twice, once at the doctor’s office and once at the DMV. My Deaf friends have told me they get asked this all the time. On one hand, I understand the question- after all, English might not be my primary or first language. On the other… guess what? Deaf people go to school, have jobs, and do everything that their hearing pals do. Oh, except hear. Assuming that deaf people can’t read is just insulting.
4 - Oh, I know exactly what you mean. I think I have hearing loss, too – I have a hard time understanding people sometimes. You know, like at concerts and moster truck rallies.
Seriously, why is it that everyone I meet suddenly has hearing loss? Not being able to hear people talking when you’re in a loud environment is not exactly the same thing as being deaf or hard of hearing. I understand that people’s first instinct is to try to find common ground, and connect. I recognize that this statement is supposed to show understanding and support. That said, it usually comes across as dismissive, and completely misses the point. When someone is telling you that they need you to look at them when you’re speaking because they can’t hear you, they’re not looking for you to say you know all about it. They’re just trying to let you know what they need in order to understand you. Do that.
5 - Oh, but you can lipread, right? Neat. Can you tell what the guy across the room is saying?
To this I say, lip reading is NOT a super power. No, I cannot tell what that guy is saying from across the room. It’s hard enough figuring out what’s going on in the conversation I’m currently having, thanks. Also, stop being a snoop.
6 – Oh, I’m so sorry. Losing my hearing would be the worst thing in the world.
It has its down sides, for sure, but really it’s not that bad. This response makes me feel like I’m something to be pitied, and completely dismisses the awesomeness of Deaf culture. Even if you’re thinking this, please don’t say it. Just don’t.
7 – But, you have hearing aids.
Yep, I do. They’re pretty awesome, and I’m glad I have them, but they’re not miracle devices. They don’t suddenly “cure” my hearing loss. I still need to read lips or use ASL to know what people are saying. They tell me THAT people are talking, but it’s like catching shadows of words. I have to fill in the blanks. If someone has hearing aids, don’t assume that they can hear things–or that they can’t, for that matter.
8 – Oh, are you going to get that implant thing to fix your hearing?
I’ve had people launch in to how the cochlear implant is a miracle within 3 minutes of meeting me. They’re usually basing this on a) seeing Ellen talk about it on TV and b) the fact that they like hearing birds chirp, or whatever. The decision to get a cochlear implant is a big one, and involves a lot of factors that you probably aren’t aware of if you haven’t been around the Deaf community for very long. Besides the fact that this question assumes that something is wrong with me that needs to be fixed, it’s a really personal, complicated question. If you’re going to ask someone about CI, please be sensitive to that. And maybe wait until you’ve known the person a while before you bring it up.
9 – But you don’t sound deaf.
Of all the things said to me on a daily basis, this is the one that drives me the most crazy. This is the reason I usually go voice off in public, like at the grocery store. People have a hard time understanding that just because I have good speech quality does not mean I can hear. It makes me feel like I need to explain myself – no, really, grocery store clerk, I’m not purposely ignoring you, I just can’t hear you. Closely related to this one is…
10 – Wow, your speech is really good!
I get this well-meaning comment from almost everyone I meet – even interpreters sometimes say this to me. There are several reasons why you should never say this to someone. For one thing, it makes the person feel awkward and self-conscious. For another, the underlying message is that speaking skills are to be highly valued, and praised. It implies that people who don’t have clear speech are less intelligent, capable, or aren’t trying hard enough.
This comment makes me feel like I’m being patted on the back. I didn’t do anything special to earn my speaking skills. My speech says nothing about my intelligence or abilities. I just happened to grow up with enough residual hearing to make speech work for me. In some ways, my clear speech is a drawback – it makes it that much harder for other people to understand my deafness.
Have you ever said something you wished you could take back? What are some awkward/awful things people have said to YOU?
I say tons of awkward things….
lawl
Your blog made me smile! Thankyou!
I really hate the but you don’t sound deaf….. I sound like everyone else and have to try so hard! I keep a check of my voice by seeing how my throat feels. I concentrate on the way I say my words so i say them properly. Jeez Lousie
Reblogged this on Adventures of a Deaf Adult and commented:
This is very true. Please don’t say these things to us Deaf people. Yes I have a CI (hitting on number 8 here) but it will not “fix” my hearing, I do not need something to “fix” my hearing because I am not broken. do I have access to sound with it yes, but it will not “fix” me I am fine how I am. I have gotten these and many more. Speaking of my CI, I will post later about activation.
Oh, my, no About Page to leave this on, nor email to send it to. Well, here you have it! I’m so happy this blog that I nominated it to receive the One Lovely Blog Award. I do hope you’ll check out the details on http://iphonephotomaven.wordpress.com/awards/ and consider both accepting and giving it to those blogs you follow. I find it is a great want teach others about blogs we might not find on our own. Congratulations! The iPhonePhotoMaven herself, AKA AnotherBoomerBlog
Thank you so much! I *just* started this blog, and hadn’t actually expected people to start reading it yet. Will be putting up the bio and contact information ASAP.
I’m an avid reader of any good Deaf or HoH blog, so congrats! Job well done.
These are pretty common things that people will say but by no means the worst; my father’s almost completely deaf and the worst thing people can do (more frequent than you would think) is to simply assume that my dad is being obnoxious and repeat what they’ve said in the same tone and volume.
I have had people actually get mad and purposely shove in to me at the store, because they assumed I was ignoring their “excuse me.”
People say and do a lot of ignorant things… This list is definitely just the tip of the iceberg. Most of the time, these people aren’t trying to be cruel or rude, they just didn’t realize how they were coming across.
I have very good speech for a Deaf person, but never feel awkward when a hearie tells me so.
I am hearing, an interpreter and have a Deaf son. I don’t associate good speech with being more intelligent than someone who doesn’t. For a Deaf person to have clear speech is incredible and quite interesting and certainly not a judgment for or against one’s intelligence. So, I’m with you … not everything should be taken as an insult.
My Aunties were born totally deaf, and could not ”speak” at all. They married totally deaf partners, who also couldn’t ”speak”- and so I do find it unusual when a totally deaf person speaks as fluidly as a ”hearie”. [mind you there are plenty of ‘hearies’ who speak appallingly, they slur and mumble their words.
My deaf relatives did find being at parties and gatherings a bit ‘isolating’ -but when they were with their deaf friends, the communication was so fast that any ‘hearie’ was totally left outside the conversation.
Some of these I agree with, some of these I disagree with. I especially disagree with #10. I have a CI myself, but I choose the attitude of how I want to work within both worlds, not how they choose me. You can decide how you want to be perceived and approach the situation and educate those around you. You can also decide if you want to ignore them. But that’s up to you, but it might end up coming back and thinking you’re hearing when you’re really not.
No. 10 is very relevant to me, people say this to me and then get annoyed because I can’t hear them in another room. It confuses them and I end up getting an angry person yelling which of course makes trying to lip read impossible.
You’re the one choosing to be angry or getting the other person angry/frustrated, but like I said- education is the key. Even if everyone gets annoyed. You can’t think people ‘assume’ they understand. Make sure they understand the depth of your hearing loss if necessary, including issues on not being able to lip read as well as they think you can. It’s all about being flexible and the attitude. Be adamant!
I can hear, and I understand your frustration. but when i can’t know if i person is deaf or not, i may get to the conclusion that the person is ignoring me on purpose which may get me very angry. and in the case of a deaf person, i imagine if the person has a good speech will make it harder for me to understand that the person isn’t ignoring me or making me repeat what i say for fun. but that the person is actually deaf. and personally, i’ve seen this happen twice in my life, most recently, a friend of mine who was stopped by a cop for identity check, and my friend was on purpose making the cop repeat everything by saying : “i can’t hear you, i’m deaf, speak louder”. and he found this fun. So I suggest that you make it really clear that you are deaf and need to lip read the person talking to you; and avoid jumping to the conclusion that hearie people are stupid or trying to mock you. because actually, hearie people are just like you, trying to avoid being mocked at. makes sens ?
I definitely think that no one should mock another person, or fake not being able to hear in order to frustrate someone else.
I agree with all the items you have listed. What I find especially interesting is that some of the people making these comments about my hearing loss may already have a mild hearing loss that is undiagnosed. As we age and are exposed to increasing amounts of loud noise, most of our population will be touched by hearing loss. Maybe that can be the point I make when someone makes these “compelling” comments (which really are redundant).
Blessings,
Shanna Groves / http://LipreadingMom.com
When I say “your speech is really good” to my brother, I really mean it. I don’t think it’s a good idea to assume that I am trying to say that people who don’t have good speech are “less capable” as that is in no way shape or form what I am saying at all. What I am saying is, “I know you have worked hard at it & I know it is difficult. I’m proud of you for trying so hard and doing so well. It makes it easier for me to understand you. Thank you, I enjoy talking to you.” When a deaf person & a hearing person are communicating, it is a 2 way street. You are deaf, you know it upsets you. But, what you don’t know is that I didn’t mean it that way. Please take in to consideration that I may not have meant to insult you & maybe take a few minutes out of your time to explain to me why you find it insulting, so that we can “communicate” about it and get past it. When anyone is having a conversation, it is easy for one person to get offended. It only helps if you work it out right then & there. Don’t make assumptions about “what I mean” or please, please, please, do not assume that I intend to insult you. I never would do that. Ever.
Thank you very much for your comment, Layla. I honestly don’t think that any of the comments I’ve listed were meant to be insulting. Some of them are just… misunderstandings, a lack of experience, or not thinking about how those things come across. There’s a lot of misconceptions about deafness and Deaf culture, and I recognize that most of it is not born out of spite or meanness. (Those that are, belong in a different post.) Part of my goal here is to laugh a little about about misunderstandings, and to maybe get some people to approach conversations from a different perspective.
Also, I’d say your brother is a very, very lucky person to have you in his family and on his side.
Layla, i really like your response, im deaf and have received “wow your speech is really good” comment. I don’t make assumptions about what people mean….its usually meant in a positive way and that’s how i take it and i wish the deaf community would acknowledge that statements like these are meant in a positive way even if some of the people saying them are uniformed.
Brian and Layla…I appreciate your gracious response to a genuine compliment…ie “your speech is really good remark”. First of all, I was taught to just say “thank you” to a sincere compliment. You know the comment “Oh I love your hair” or some other nice remark. To say.something like “It really didnt turn out the way I wanted” or some other remark is dismissive to the compliment-er..Just not gracious. Maybe if you tried this approach Indie you might not get so irked. As Brian said, people mean well.
Indi- I enjoyed learning about your pet peeves…having several Deaf relatives has helped me understand the Deaf Culture a bit over the years. Im very grateful for technology which has opened up communication…so awesome. Some of your points made me lol a bit. You need thick skin to deal w stupid remarks. Attitude is everything!.
People say stuff w/out thinking-most do not mean to be thoughtless. Thank you for taking the time to educate.
I want you to know that I totally understand and honor what you said Layla. I actually don’t take it as an insult when people compliment me on my speech – I assume they are recognizing years of speech therapy. But I also understand where the author is coming from – there are those who mean to compliment you when they say that but subconsciously they might be thinking if you don’t speak well, then it means you’re not intelligent or you’re “less than.” But I always give the person the benefit of the doubt and never take it as an insult.
Layla,
I’m deaf. It does embarrass me when hearing people comment on how good my speech is. Good compard to what? I think to myself each time. I’ve seen videos of myself talking and my mouth does not move like a hearing person’s does. So I often wonder, are these hearing people patronizing me out of pity? Also, what does it say about other deaf people whose speech isn’t clear at all? Would one think that they didn’t work hard at it? Several of my childhood friends tried their hardest, but still couldn’t speak even half clear. Really, being told that my speech is clear is humilating and not necessary. I’m not a little kid. I’m not looking for compliments. If one understands me, then leave it at that. If not, then let me know and we”ll use another mode of communication.
Lisa, Thanks for putting into words exactly how I feel too, when people make that comment. I couldn’t have put it better. I am profoundly deaf, and I’ve had considerable speech therapy, and I do feel sorry for those whose speech therapy was not a success.
Jessica
Hey, reminds me of my post on “shit hearing people say…”, you got a few I didn’t put up! My sympathies re the speech / CI things, but kind of nice to know I’m not alone
The sad thing is they’re usually trying to be nice… :s
And how is that sad, exactly?
It’s sad because often I find people are not trying to annoy, and usually they’re very nice people, but then why is it appropriate to ask if I can drive (would they ask anyone else that they just met?) or why I don’t have a CI (private medical information) or tell me ‘I speak so well’, which literally gives me flashbacks to being patted on the head when I was a child. I’m a firm believer in education and sharing information, hopefully this blog will go some way to towards that, judging by the sheer number of comments!
I disagree with #10. It lets me know my hard work to get good speech paid off.
That’s a good point, Evan. But what about the people who work hard, every day, but still don’t achieve “clear speech”? I think there’s just a little too much emphasis placed on speech being the end goal for deaf people, and I think too many people judge others’ intelligence by the quality of their speech.
I had speech therapy for years. I thought it was just something all kids did. And now, my son will be going through speech therapy. I am thankful that I am one of the lucky ones who has great speech, and hope that speech therapy gives my son extra tools in his belt as well. But I don’t ever want him to feel like… that’s the goal. That if his speech *isn’t* 100%, that he’s not working hard enough.
Thank you for chiming in, and I hope to see you back again.
I don’t understand why telling a deaf person they “speak well” is so bad. Whats the difference between me telling a deaf person they speak well, and telling a foreigner that they speak English well? Deaf people can’t hear spoken words, so I can only imagine the amount of effort it takes to learn how to properly pronounce a word you’ve never heard spoken before. It takes effort for someone to learn a foreign language. Speech might not be that important to deaf people, but for hearing people, speech is everything. I’ve told deaf people before that they speak very well, and I meant it as a compliment. Should I get upset if a deaf person tells me i sign very well?. I’ve had deaf friends that were comfortable enough with me that they asked me how they sounded when they talked. I never asked them to talk. I took the time to learn sign language so i could communicate with them in their language. A lot of the stuff about CI and aids is people just asking about them. I can hear, so I would have no use for a CI, so naturally i know nothing about it, and would ask someone, a deaf person, who knows about them. The reading and driving stuff is just ridiculous. My only question is, do deaf people have trouble with emergency vehicles during the day time? Its much easier to notice the flashing lights behind you when its dark. As a hearing person, I hear the siren well before i see the lights. Now, this is a question i would ask my deaf friends. Not because I think they are at a disadvantage, or anything like that, I ask the question to get a better understanding of what it’s like for them.
I also saw with my deaf friends, that there is a huge debate over where hard of hearing people fall. Do they fall in the deaf community, or are they just HH.
I didnt mean any offense by this post. I apologize if I offended anyone with my comments.
For me, I have asked deaf people some of those questions before, not all, not most, just some. It was mainly just to help get an understanding of what being deaf is like. You’ll never know what might offend someone, and what won’t, unless you ask.
Interesting. Working hard at whatever and achieving success, however that is described, warrants attention, praise, and compliments — including speech.
I’m curious. What experience did you have that caused you to draw the conclusion and/or perception that by getting compliments on one’s speech equals intelligence or lack thereof?
Indi, with all due respect to the fact that this is your blog, I have to disagree on this one. Speech is not the end goal for deaf people… at least not from a hearing person’s perspective. Believe it or not, many hearing people are elated when they can communicate with someone who is deaf. It doesn’t always, or even usually, have anything to do with what hearing people perceive as a “symptom” of intelligence – or lack thereof. If that were the case, I’d be sitting in judgement of some of my hearing friends.
Just don’t assume that the hearing are ignorant, which is the equivalent of suggesting that hearing people think deaf people who can’t speak clearly or lip read well are unintelligent. Thanks for letting me say my piece.
You are always welcome to share your point of view, especially when you’re so respectful.
Thank you for taking the time to read through and comment-hope you don’t mind if I respond.
I certainly don’t think that all hearing people are ignorant, or are trying to be rude, or are judging deaf people. I think that a lot of the miscommunications and misunderstandings are just that-minor miscommunications by people who didn’t mean anything by it. I’m hoping to lessen some of those misunderstandings, and laugh a little as well. Because, come’on, some of the stuff said to me on a daily basis is just… funny.
As for your point about speech not being an end goal… Maybe not to the nice lady I meet at the bank, or the general hearing public, or your friends. But take a look at the history of Deaf education. Check out AG Bell and think about how many of his attitudes still impact how doctors, speech therapists, teachers, etc. view deafness. Take a look at what parents are usually told the day they learn their child is deaf. Go read through some of the forums talking about the experience of growing up with speech therapy. It’s not the case everywhere, surely, but there IS a great emphasis placed on speaking skills… often with the thought that *that* is the same thing as full access to language and communication.
However, that’s probably me going off on a tangent, a little bit, and could be a blog post all its own. The post I reblogged a couple of days ago (“But you speak so well!”) does a little better job of talking about the association a lot of people (again, not everyone) make between the way a person’s speech sounds with how smart they are, how much they know. Sometimes without even realizing it, people do this – I see it all. the. time.
My main point when I wrote #10, however, is just… that when you meet someone, perhaps you should refrain from commending their speech. Some people, it doesn’t bother them. Others, it does. I think there’s a difference between telling someone you know that you like the way their voice sounds or that their speech is really clear, and telling someone you’ve just run in to or just met, “You speak so well!” Maybe save that for the second meeting. Just my humble opinion.
Thank you for your reply, Indi. Baby steps, right?
I can’t wait to explore your blog and follow you as you grow it. (And that has nothing to do with you being a really good “deaf writer” … just a really good writer and, apparently, a very nice person.) 
Thank you very much
May I ask do you have any hearing at all well till you this there are millions of deaf people around the world are no different, They all are same some have good speech some don’t so please don’t talk about not working hard enough! that’s off the mark and that is the (fact)
Amen! Deafness is not a disability, something to be ‘fixed’, it is a culture with rich history and just regurlar folks. I must admit I have been guilty of #10 and now feel sorry for my mistake.
Susan,
As others have commented, it’s usually understood that you mean the comment as a compliment. Some people may be pleased with that… but it’s good to be aware that it doesn’t always come across that way.
If i dont know the person well and they say you speak so good and clear Sometimes I feel like they are saying they don’t believe that I’m deaf.
I have the exactly same experience. And there is one more thing I am sure you have experied too (but maybe forgot to add on the list:))
“I don’t know how to…..” and then waving with their hands in front of me.
I always start to think: Know how to what? Wave with your hands??
This always makes me uncomfortable, I am sure I am not the only one who have experied this.
All best, Adriana (Norway)
LOL, yes, I did forget that one. When people do that to me, I usually laugh a little, and then explain that it’s okay that they don’t know how to sign. Just look right at me when you’re talking, or use paper. Tada, communication problem solved.
As an ASL student, I found this list invaluable. I’ve never said any of these things, thankfully, but not commenting on someone’s clear speech is something I never would have thought of and absolutely would have spit out at some point. THANK YOU!!!
https://www.facebook.com/ThingsSaidToDeaf . This was reposted on this facebook page, I’m sure many of us can agree the list is so much longer. Even worse some of these statements are made by family, close friends and parents at times. Some of it even more so ridiculous. Good job on this one.
Thank you.
Yeah, I figured I’d save the stuff family says for another day. Strangers are awkward enough.
I totally agree with everything this article addressed. I’m deaf and I would like to add two things. Don’t say, “How much can you hear?” when you just met a deaf person. Ask the usual introductory questions as you would to a hearing person. My personal favorite question, “Does it hurt to be deaf?” Physically no but being treated as a inferior disabled person, yes. We are not low functioned people. We are fully capable to get jobs, take care of ourselves, pay bills and have fun as much as hearing people.
Does it hurt to be deaf? Seriously, people?
You’re exactly right – deaf people are not low functioning people. Thank you for commenting!
No, deaf are not low functioning people. But it is certainly difficult to find decent employment. Been there.
I want to respond to this with a little story. I was dating someone who is deaf. He and I went to the movies with two friends of ours, both HoH. During the movie, I signed some things that I thought my friends would want to know that may (or may not) have been missed, especially by my boyfriend. When the movie was over and we were leaving, one of the young people sitting behind us asked his friends, “Why do deaf people go to a movie?” (Certainly a comment that sounds prejudice, I know.) I turned and said, “For the same reason you did.” And I smiled at them. It is my hope that those young people learned something that day that has stayed with them all their lives. We all have to work together to change things. Riling each other up is not the way to accomplish that. Peace.
This is very insightful. On behalf of those without hearing limitations (I refuse to call it a disability) I’d like to know what we can do or say to help you get this message out. If someone came up to me and said “Did you know Bob is deaf?”, part of me would just want to say “Yeah, so what?”, but another part of me feels that this person needs to be educated on the ignorance of making and issue out of a non-issue. People don’t make an issue out of the fact that I’m left handed any more than I make an issue out of someone having blue eyes. Basically, I am asking what can I do to help?
Really, sometimes for me it is very good for people to let others know I am Deaf, especially when it comes to new employees where I work. If someone comes up to you (using your example) and says “Did you know Bob is deaf?” the best reply I can think of is, “thank you, this will help me in our communication” you can also check with bob then, when you meet him, to figure out what the best way to communicate with him is. In some ways its a “non-issue” (if I am around people who understand how to communicate with me) but in other ways it is an issue. When I am at the store, at the doctors, at a hospital, at school. I have had places refuse to get me an interpreter because my “speech was too good” thinking that because someone can speak clearly (yes I worked at it for a very long time, 14 years of speech therapy) I shouldn’t need any assistance. ASL is still the easiest way for me to communicate, and that should be taken into consideration.
When you meet a deaf person, figure out a way you can communicate with each other, if that be ASL (if the both of you know it), repeating information, saying it in a different way, or with the ASL impaired, my favorite, writing things down.
i think you need to get over yourself XD
you can hear, we don’t. There are life differences in that way, there are communication style differences. please try to be a little more understanding.
one time a deafgirl asked me if she was a good singer and of course she wasn’t cause she deaf but what to i say ??? do i lie ?
I’m HH, and it infuriates me when people say, “why don’t you just get a hearing aid?” They really don’t understand that a hearing aid isn’t going to help me discern detailed sounds like “s” from “th” any better than I do now. I still won’t know you’re talking to ME if you’re not looking at me, and I still won’t know what the hell you’re saying if you say it while you’re walking away. In addition, hearing aids are EXPENSIVE, and even with my insurance it costs more than I can afford. So really, people, just be sensitive, and when someone tells you that they can’t hear just say, “oh, okay,” and do what they tell you to do in order to communicate with them.
I have one more to the list – when someone tells you that they’re deaf or hard of hearing after you’ve had to repeat yourself a couple of times: “Ooooh. I just assumed you weren’t paying attention.” OMG!!! Argh!!!!!
Oh, I hear you on the expensive hearing aids. I went for years without hearing aids after my friend’s cat ate mine… still paying for those suckers, too.
My family is pretty convinced I’m ignoring them on purpose. All the time. I’ve been told that when new people meet me, they think I’m aloof. Or just really day dreamy.
I understand yOu completely! My parent were always like why don’t you just get a new hearing aid so you can hear! Ugh they weren’t offering to help pay n I didn’t have money to get a new one! So frustrating!
While I am appalled at what I am reading here about what people say, that’s not going to change without someone explaining it. It wasn’t until I had deaf friends that I understood the value that hearing aids do/don’t provide. If you have an opportunity, educate us. That’s the only way the gap will be filled. One of my favorite sayings is, “I don’t know, what I don’t know.” So, tell us. Many of us want to know. And always remember, there are people out there, hearing and deaf, who don’t have “filters.” The words come out without much thought about the impact on another person. It’s not a hearing/deaf thing… it’s a people thing. Peace out.
Your right. It’s a people thing. Thanks for reminding me that.
Number 5: Lipreading. I’ve had people trying to “test” me to see if I could actually understand them. This is also very offensive!!
yes, and what most people don’t understand… when they aren’t actually speaking, their words are formed differently. It takes quite a bit of training to be an “oral interpreter” to be sure that you form the soundless words properly.
I usually flip off my friends who try and pull the whole lip reading stunt on me……and tell them there’s some sign language for you
yeah… I try to be a little nicer to my friends than that… although this is coming from the person who accidentally punched a friend in the nose and broke it because he was… doing something and it was a reaction. I have found more of my friends react better when I’m polite to them rather than being a bit jerkish… but I can’t always help it.
As a speechreader more than a signer, some people have accents … almost impossible to lipread.
Oh, absolutely! Accents are impossible for me as well, or people with beards. It’s not an easy task at the best of times.
I say flip the tables – I am always amazed at how *little* my hearing friends can lipread! If they’re going to test you, seems only fair that they should have to pass the same test.
lol…Ive tried that…not so easy..sometimes it works though
lol My aunt (deaf) tested me the other day. I’ve been learning sign to communicate with her better so she has been educating me a little and found it pretty amusing that I misunderstood everything.
Ha Ha! I like that idea, Indi!
This is an excellent post. People are mostly ignorant about Deaf culture and are generally uncomfortable around any kind of difference in people. It’s important to have people like you be assertive about what their needs are and communicate those effectively. Thanks, L
As a professor of Deaf Education, this is an important contribution to the whole conversation…I plan to share with my students…make them THINK BEFORE they open their mouths!
I think this is good advice for anyone!
I know I sometimes wish I’d taken the extra three seconds to think before I said something.
Your are way over the top (big head) go back to school and think what you just said (think before open you mouth) well done professor
I don’t speak and lipread well because my parents wanted me to focus on writing English well. That said, like for some others, I disagree with #10. I think that kind of comment is actually a nice one to say to somebody (at least to some of us?) because it is a skill. Skills are something most of us nice people surely will want to admire! Thus, I guess #10 probably depend more on the kind of person the comment is coming from?
Where I live, the follow rudeness seemed to happen more often than not: I come up to a front/customer service desk or so, asked for paper and pen, wrote what I wanted to say to them, then trusted the paper and pen toward them. Immediately, they asked me if we could have me read their lips instead. How rude! Whether I am in the mood and have a bit of time, I would humor them by “reading” their lips and writing mostly wrong answers. Then acting like I was not understanding why they were frustrated. The message: It may as well be easier to go with the flow since I was handing them the paper and pen, expecting them to write things down in the first place.
Someone put a link on FB to this page and I totally enjoyed it. Deaf since birth with good speech abilities, I can relate to everything you’ve said here and more. Thanks for sharing. It made me smile and nod my head several times. Cheers!
A very touching note from my mom and she wrote to me—she said Dionna…I’m proud of you…and all that you have become…when you were born I thought of you as having a handicap…and how would I ever through this…and questioning what I did wrong to have a baby who could not hear…and feeling how lucky I was…but you know what? All things are possible…and happen for a reason…I am the lucky one…you have become the woman you are because of your strength and of your determination and never letting your deafness be a hindrance…I have friends that tell me “Lynn you should be so proud of her…she’s not handicapped”…I wish my children has a part of her determination and values…and outlook on life….and I just wanted to let you know Dionna…I’m proud of you and I guess proud of myself also… And we can say we made it..:we survived”…together…<3
Mom, I know you are proud to say, you are a mother of a deaf child. I knew you would not change the way I am. I know most mothers say this, but this is so true for me. When God gives me something special like this, you do one thing…..I know I am not going to say this has been easy, it has been really hard actually, but because of the gift of me, it shaped yourself and most of all, OUR FAMILY!
I sure you and all my family found out I was deaf when I was almost a year old. I understand you admit it, you felt guilty for not recognizing it earlier. In my mind, I knew you were going to say God knows it was overwhelming, to say the least, to hear that my daughter was not "perfect." What’s perfect anyway?!?
While there are many types of hearing loss and many different causes for hearing loss, I suffer from bilateral sensorineural hearing loss/rubella. This means my both ears had damage to the inner ear and the path that lead from the nerves to the brain. This type of damage is permanent and there is no way to fix the problems. You are grateful that I'm deaf and I can do anything expect I can't hear.
You would say you were pretty darn perfect. As for overwhelming, I can see what you went through a whirlwind of emotions, mom. Sad, happy, shocked, concerned, worried, but you really had to go through all of those emotions, to be the mom that you became, because of me. I can't image you literally sat the kitchen chair or on the floor somewhere and cried for days while the world went on around you. Thank you, Lord my family was there for you when you need them and you don't know what to do without them, mom.
When I was a kid and I love to go to school every day because school was FUN!! I was a sponge and you have to say, I made it EASY! So receptive to sign, and loved communication. As soon as I was given a language, I TOOK OFF! I made you and my family love the language. Sign Language was “our language” in our home.
I came home with SO many new signs. I bet you thought you had given me a "base," but wow, there was so much out there that we still had to learn, and putting me in a deaf and hard of hearing program was the way to go. I taught you and my lovely family more than you guys taught me. Matter of fact, you are still learning. I remembered I came home from college, and teach you a “slew” of new vocabulary. Still to this day, when I comes home for a visit, you are still learning. Keep your eyes open to the deaf world, I can teach you so much and we will never stop learning.
I thank for you would not change me for the world, and you could not imagine me any different. You have become who you are today, because of me. I understand you didn’t wake up and say, "I want a deaf child." You were given this gift, and you un-wrapped it and shared it with the world.
Mom, I graduated high school, college and now I have good jobs as teaching. I succeed and made it! One thing is I prove my father wrong I can do anything expect hear because he called me "retard." Too bad for him miss how special I am!
The problem is not that the deaf students do not hear. "The problem is that the hearing world does not listen. In terms of a disability, I don’t view myself as having a disability…I function like any other hearing person can. My deafness does not deprive me of anything. I can do anything I want. Except maybe sing- TRUE!
I love how you said, “You didn’t wake up and say, ‘I want a deaf child.’ You were given this gift, and you unwrapped it and shared it with the world.” Wow. What a beautiful way to put it.
I like it…vry much
Beautiful!!!! It blows me away
I mean to Dio,
I’ve heard most of these comments in my life, and it depends a lot what mood I’m in how I take these comments. On a rather bad day, -I would agree with you, but mostly I try to use some sense of humour to it, so people understand how silly they sound sometimes. Ex; wow, you’re really good at talking (-meaning my voice and speech I guess…Surprised because I’m deaf and speak, because they’re often more prejudiced than they thougt, need some information and get wiser…) I might reply with; Well, thanks, I’ve been talking since I was a year and a half, starting to get really good at it, now….Or, with a smile; Oh, thanks the same
Or when they ask if I can lipread, they mime a sentence, and I mime an answer back. sometimes I do lipread what they say, sometimes I don’t. They surely don’t get what I’m answering anyway, and see the point of; why ask if you can’t lipread too, then we could communicate without voices…
I mostly take the comments and questions with some sense of humour and irony, and I do reach people when they realize that they’re sking questions hundreds of people have done before them….
And in a way, they ask for some information, want to learn more. They’re surprised that the “box” they had put their definition and expetations about any deaf person, isn’t right. I think it’s good that they learn something, and think that if I don’t, another deaf has to meet it too…
I learned something important from my hearing husband; as a deaf person, I used to think that hearing people could hear everything, – which is not really true. He told me that hearing people can’t hear everything even though they are hearing. (No hearingloss yet, just the fact that hearing people also have situations where hearing is hard.)
Keep up the good work, and keep adding a smile to it, whenever you can
May
I am a CODA and one question I often was asked as a child and during my work as a professional interpreter was “How did you learn to talk?” Another comment by hearing people was the use of deaf-mute. My father was self employed as a barber and one day a man who was just driving through stopped in to get a haircut. He started to tell my dad how he wanted his hair cut and when my dad indicated he couldn’t hear the man jumped out of the barber chair, grabbed his hat and ran out of the shop! Another time a young lady came into the shop with one of those ABC cards, Dad assumed she was Deaf until she couldn’t name any of the Deaf people living in the city she said she was from. He didn’t buy the card, watched her walk down the street;then, he hollered in a loud voice ‘hey’ and she turned around! My parents were called the dummies and I was referred to as dummy’s kid by one of my grade school teachers! When my parents moved to another small town, the neighbor ladies deacided to have a welcome shower for my mom. My sister went with her and one of the ladies saw my mother pick up the newspaper and start to read it. The lady asked my sister if my mom could read so my sister told my mom and mom wrote on a pad of paper ‘Yes, I can read, can you write?’ Books. newspapers and magazines were our entertainment… Love your blog! keep up the good work.
I get annoyed when people in McDonald’s give me a huge menu with braille on it. And there was that other time an older woman was yelling at me so I told her I’m deaf. “But you can see?” “Deaf, not blind, ya know… as in not hearing.” Was her face red.
I wasn’t able to read all the comments, just read down for 5 minutes or so…and I just want to say that I enjoyed the debate & discussion about point #10 and I appreciate so much the open-minded spirit which Indie took in explaining why she included it on the list. It is important to know what bothers people. We don’t always know unless we’ve been there, and not everybody in a particular group will be bothered by the same things, but it’s still good to let people know about it… & these kinds of lists are good because we don’t have to embarrass people in the moment they say the offensive thing since it could be very well-intentioned. Seriously, though, Point #3, “Can you read?” wtf???!?!
Here’s my two cents… I tell people “I’m deaf” if I WANT them to go away i.e. solicitors or people asking for money. Saying “I’m deaf” generates a really awkward situation for hearing people because they don’t know how to react to that. There are ALL kinds of deaf people. What should they do? Speak louder? Sign? Write something? I find that saying something along the lines of, “I’m sorry, I don’t hear well, could you speak more clearly?” generates a much better response.
As for the lipreading thing, I don’t understand why asking that is so offensive. When I was in mainstream elementary school, a lot of hearing kids asked me to read their lips, and they got really excited when I got it right, and laughed when I got it wrong (not offensively). I know that not all deaf people can lipread, but there are some who can, and if hearing people are fascinated by that, then I don’t see what the harm is.
It’s a two way street. I realize that not many hearing people have had exposure to deaf people, and I take it as a given that we’re going to have to teach them about ourselves. It’s a relief when we find someone who knows how to act, but that is oh so rare.
That’s not to say I’ve never had any negative experiences though… I remember when I was working in retail, I’ve had several customers with heavy accents come up to me and ask me questions, and when I didn’t understand them, they got really upset because they thought I was making fun of their accent. I also remember when I had to go in person to a bank to do something, and they forced me to try to talk to someone on the phone, and after six times I still didn’t understand what the person on the phone was saying. I was so embarrassed that I just broke down and cried. I guess that would be what I would put on the list: “Here, talk to so and so on the phone.” What part of DEAF do they not understand?
I do that too, tell people I am deaf when they are being pesky. Works like a charm…they do an ‘about turn’ pretty quick, & off they go.
Ooops, sorry to misspell your name, Indi.
Wow I can relate to all 10 of these word for word. Would also like to add that if u have any deaf members in your family, learn sign language for pete’s sake!!! Makes me upset when seeing hearing parents trying to talk to their deaf kids and the parents think they don’t need ASL and they know what’s best for their family. I’ve seen many many families like this and the ones who are better off and much more loving are the ones that sign. I can bet you the Deaf world will back me up 100%.
Absolutely …. I agree with you 1000%! Being a mother of a Deaf son (and an interpreter) and part of a large immediate family and an even larger extended family, everytime we get together as a family, my heart hurts all over again by the isolation of our son because everyone carries on with conversation with no real regard to his presence. For the two who DO sign, I remind them to sign for themselves but it only happens for short, inconsequential conversations. So, I interpret. So you are right, my relationship with my son is wonderful, deep, and very meaningful.
Ahh, yes, i am profoundly deaf, and grew up without sign language because my parents didn’t want to learn to sign. I have got used to people speaking to me without voice, and find it hard to understand spoken speech sometimes. At 60 years of age, I find it hard to pick up Auslan, not being in much contact with other deaf people, and find it hard to fit in in groups of hearing people talking. I certainly don’t feel I have been surrounded by loving people, and I am somewhat reserved. I did have a lot of speech therapy, but as people are not taking the time to talk to me, I have come to think perhaps my speech has degenerated, and they don’t want to take the trouble to understand me. I get the occasional “Your speech is good” but I have difficulty believing them, as I find they have misunderstood my speech.
I’m used to it, Just keep on truckin, Thanks Bill W
im deaf myself and i even had someone once asked me, “Can you dream?” !!!!!!
yeah hearing people didnt mean bad way just ignorant 
Informative.
Some reasons why I often avoid bringing up the subject of my hearing loss anymore. With hearing aids, i can pass as hearing. Without them, and I may as well be deaf. Being hard of hearing is living in limbo between two worlds where there is no black or white answer to anything. i can identify with a lot of these situations. . . on both ends.
How about this one? When you tell the person you that you can not hear what they are saying and they get closer to your face and exaggerate the facial expressions and say” can you hear me now?” my response to them is 1st back off out of my personal space and 2nd i am deaf not stupid. I can relate it one way or another.
omg that seriously frustrates me when people come in close, I depend as much on lip reading as i do on my CI, worse of all for some reason they tend to go to the side that i dont have the ci on. so they manage to take out both things when they do that I often tell them that I need to see their lips. but they still move in arggg
How about when they shout in your face, and your glasses can’t focus on something that close? Worse still, the cigarette smoke is making your eyes water and blink. THEY are the idiots.
I relate so much. I wear a hearing aid and speak in public so I get 5, 6, 7, 8, and 10 a lot. Like a LOT. I have stock responses to most of these but when I get asked about the CI, I’m still bumbling about trying to figure out how to answer it. Sometimes, people are genuinely interested, and sometimes people just don’t know at all. I try to view it as, “Okay, I can try to educate them and maybe perhaps prevent them from asking that question to other people,” instead of getting annoyed.
As for the “I’m so sorry” comment, sometimes I just want to scream back, “I’m so sorry you’re so ignorant.” Most of the time, though, I just say, “It’s okay,” and move on.
Number 10, I don’t find it all that insulting to be told that I speak really well. I’m actually proud of how well I speak. I can pass pretty easily as a hearing person unless someone who is familiar with deaf or hoh people hears me. I have that “accent” that gives it away. Most of the time, people think I’m foreign and I have lots of fun making up where I’m from. My favorite is Prague. (I’m actually Polish.) That said, it’s a double-edged sword. I speak so well that people just fail to understand that I’m still deaf and have trouble hearing. I’ve realized it could really be much easier if I had just went voice-off, but habits die hard.
My favorite (or rather, least favorite) question to answer is “How do you hear music?” They tend to really expect an answer and I have no idea what to say most of the time because well, I’ve never heard music as a hearing person so I have NOTHING to compare it to. I basically tell them that if it has a good beat, I’m good. Haha. I think the music industry is so over-saturated that I’m so glad I have no interest in it!
I guess the key thing is to remember that most hearing people truly don’t know anything about deaf people and they’re not trying to be mean or offensive. They just don’t know. We could either blow up on them or try to educate them and see if the world could be a better place for it.
I have always gotten the accent thing, as well. I used to think it was because I grew up on a ranch – a “hick accent” if you will – but realized a couple years ago that it’s just from growing up with a little bit of hearing loss. It’s usually not very noticeable, although my friends tell me my speaking is changing a little as my hearing progressively drops.
As you said, my biggest issue with my voice is that people assume I can hear things that I can’t. When I go voice off in public, things tend to go much more smoothly – we just meet each other halfway, instead of all of the communication work being on my part, trying to lipread and catch up to someone who’s not looking at me, speaking fast, etc.
I really don’t mind questions from people I know about what my experience is, or what I can/can’t hear, etc. I usually take it as a sign of interest, and an opportunity for us to reach a new understanding – and hopefully better communication in the future!
It’s very hard to do the voice-off thing for me. It’s been ingrained in me to speak in public. My parents and sister are all deaf so I was always the one interpreting in restaurants and stores. Now my long-term boyfriend is hearing (though he’s just now finally learning ASL) and the people we interact with are hearing as well. Sometimes, though, I wish I didn’t have to struggle with the “limbo” of being hoh and I know I could just turn off my hearing aids. I’m deaf without them so I get to control “who” I am. Not sure if that’s a good thing though.
The way I think of it is, if I ever met someone unusual or different- maybe foreign or having some sort of condition- I’m always curious as to how life is like for them. If they seem open, I always ask a lot of questions. So I don’t mind when people ask me questions about my hearing. I figure, why not just educate them and maybe hint that some of these aren’t the best one to ask the general Deaf public. In my experience, the people who take the time to ask are usually so interested and eager to learn. I would say that 85% of my encounters have been of a positive kind. The rest are too ignorant for help. Just stay positive and try to be the best representative for the deaf community is what I say.
I love your wonderful positive outlook- Ive enjoyed learning through everyone’s perspective on this subject. Thank you for sharing..:)
One situation a lolng time ago when I was dining out with my aunt at Applebee’s and a gentleman came up to us and gave us a note he scribbled on. It said, “I think it is so neat that you both can talk while you guys eat.” Then he went on to say that he also wondered if we could carry on conversations through the window…I tried very hard to be nice that night.
Another thing you get often is, “You don’t look hearing impaired at all!” What is a deaf or hearing impaired person SUPPOSED to l-o-o-k like??? Are we supposed to walk around
with one of those French horn looking things in our ears? The deaf, for the most part, are
just like anyone else….our hearing is just poor or gone.
I have mechanical damage to my ear so a hearing aid doesn’t help that much. I can hear but words are muddied.
My unfavourite comment is ‘Do I have to say this again…..!.
YES – YOU’LL HAVE TO SAY IT A MILLION TIMES BECAUSE I’M F*CKING DEAF!!!!!!
Growing up I had to endure the “I am sorry`s” and walking away from peers and adults. As a child, after several times of this, I began to internalize it and began to hate myself and my deafness. I worked hard in speech therapy , school, sportsand tried ti be as “hearing” to fit in but no matter how hard I worked I was pitied as this “broken” hearing person. That is what hearing people need to be educated on what not to say to deaf people especially children because it can have lifelong negative effects on their socio-emotional well-being.
Love this! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve witnessed hearing people do some of the craziest things when they meet a deaf person! I was the airport a couple of months ago and the lady at the ticket counter must have gone into panic mode when she decided to play sharades with the deaf couple at the counter. I started laughing so hard I was in tears. I couldn’t help it…she was so into it and looked completely off her rocker! The couple started laughing too. I quickly intervened and asked the man (in ASL) if I could help. Before he could answer me I got my pen and notebook and handed it to the lady and said how about you try writing it down. The clerk slowly began to realize how silly she acted and must have looked and started to laugh at herself. The first thing she wrote on the paper was “I’m so sorry, I’m an idiot!”
I fell in love with ASL when I was 10 years old after watching an interpreter in church. I walked right up to her and asked her what it was she was doing, it was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. It was, to me, like making pictures with your hands to tell the story. When Mrs. Bonnie explained to me that she was signing I begged her to teach me. The next week after church I started learning ASL. Through the years as I got older I spent a great deal of time learning about the deaf culture and working within deaf communities (as well as studying foreign languages, I love talking to people!) every where I lived. It still never ceases to amaze me how hearing people just don’t think to grab a pen and paper. It’s such a simple solution to the communication gap…unless of course they speak Spanish or something. That happened to me once and I sat there for a few minutes scratching my head until I could remembered how to finger spell some Spanish words. (that was really funny) (took a long time too but we got through it) Thanks for posting this. I’ll be sure to keep up with your blog! Tell it like is!
Being deaf too I think hearing people can be damn stupid at times lol
Back in my 20s I had a hearing friend from college. We got along well but for some reason, she was very hard to understand sometimes. Her lips were thin and she had a way of talking that made it difficult to lip read. Anyway, I would ask her to repeat once or twice and she would say “never mind”. So infuriating! Also, I loaned her a TDD so she and I could talk on the phone and she would complain how aggravating the TDD was. Needless to say, she and I are no longer friends.
I feel like this should be added about communication between the deaf and hearing cultures. While hearing people frequently open mouth and insert foot, deaf people do it just as often. My mother-in-law is hearing impaired and I hear horror stories from her all the time about rude people, but I feel like she says things without thinking that are hurtful or rude fairly often too. Talking about my weight, my messy house, how I discipline my child when the reason you think she should be disciplined is based on something you didn’t hear, and suggesting that my unborn child might be deaf when I am 8 months pregnant are just a few examples. I understand that certain things are acceptable to say when talking to another deaf person, especially descriptions, but some are not acceptable to say to or about a hearing person. Communication goes both ways and is damaged by both sides, not just hearing people who don’t understand.
You make an excellent point – no one is without their communication blunders, and sensitivity is needed on BOTH sides. Parents (especially in-laws) are often guilty of crossing those lines – no matter what their hearing level or culture. I hope you guys find the common ground.
Thanks, Indi. We really get along quite well most of the time and I have been brushing up my sign language, and helping her with pronunciation, to help with the communication. Like some of the hearing people who have posted on here, I am not completely ignorant in the ways of the deaf community and with deafness in general. I have enjoyed smoothing over misunderstanding between some of my deaf and hearing coworkers because everything runs more smoothly when people realize that feelings were not intentionally hurt.
Indi I have enjoyed your blog this morning. I thought you might like to know you are reaching out further that you realize. I have a number of people I follow on Twitter due to what we do and I found your blog because it was Tweeted from @TerpTree in Berkshire, United Kingdom. I am in the DFW Metroplex, TX.
I am HH and it is progressive. I am also an Interpreter of 17 years. I use hearing aids which allow me to continue to do my job but as someone stated earlier being HH puts you between two worlds. Hearing aids aren’t a fix-all I have discovered. Some scenarios such as loud ambient noise or when you need to find the direction sounds are coming from can be very frustrating. They really aren’t much help.
As an interpreter for years I thought I was so politically correct and on top of the “right” things to say and do in Deaf environments. Well I will publicly apologize for that right now. I had no clue. At the level of hearing loss I have now I am getting a small taste of the ignorance out there. One of the top ones that makes me clinch my jaw is when you ask what someone said and they dismiss you by saying, “Oh, never mind”. I think moving forward is going to be an interesting journey for me as my loss gets worse each year. Keep up the good work. This is going to be an interesting blog to follow.
I have been surprised and incredibly thankful for the response and support I have gotten! Thank you for reading, sharing, commenting!
I straddled the hh/hearing line for a very, very long time. I completely understand how it feels to be “in between” – and I hope you find your place.
“Oh, nevermind” – big pet peeve of mine! I can’t believe I forgot that one
I do confess: it’s been pointed out that sometimes I do the same thing. When I get upset and I’m signing fast, if a friend doesn’t understand sometimes I give up instead of going back and making the effort to get my point across. I try to be more aware of that now, and work hard to remember that communication is a two way street, and sometimes you have to meet in the middle. And sometimes, that means repeating yourself 8,000 times. 
Thank you very much for sharing! Fortunately, I have never said or done anything that were mentioned.
I am an optometry student and I have worked with a lot of patients who were deaf or hard of hearing. I am soft spoken by nature and it was difficult for me to communicate clearly and efficiently without a pen and paper, especially when many of the patients coming in to see me had poor vision to begin with and could not see my face clearly. Luckily, I learned some very basic ASL in elementary school and I was able to understand the patients when they were reading the eye chart or describing their symptoms.
Do you have any advice on how one could better serve the deaf community as a health care provider?
It sounds like you’re taking the right steps – pen and paper, perhaps typing in large print on a computer screen for those with vision problems as well, learning basic ASL, looking directly at the person when you’re speaking. I’ve had nurses print off a list of the questions they routinely ask, so all they had to do was point to the question instead of writing it out. I think the most important thing is just to ask the person what they need to help communication go well. Needs vary from person to person, and you being willing to make the effort to meet someone halfway makes a HUGE difference. Really, you have no idea how much that is appreciated.
I thank you for that! THANK YOU, THANK YOU, AND THANK YOU! I’ve been there in the same path for 38 years in my whole life and this is the perfect explanation on how this exactly make me feel since all the hearing people in this world always like or love to ” INSULTS” me. Im sick and tired of hearing people judge me too much andThey had gone too far with me. THEY just making ME look bad since I can hear with hearing device and I speaks so well doesn’t mean I am like YOU! Hearing people have a wonderful and high pay jobs while we are nothing matters to them anymore! All they thinks so highly and yet insult us badly! Wait til their turns and see how we FEELS! We couldnt get a job because they think we cannot do anything. WE have eyes, hands, and legs. What more do they do wants from us?? ENOUGH!
I’ve nominated your blog for the One Lovely Blog Award. Please read the nomination announcement on my site here: http://lipreadingmom.com/2012/07/27/lipreading-mom-nominated-for-blogging-award/. Blessings and keep up the wonderful work!
Shanna / LipreadingMom.com
Thank you, Shanna!
You are welcome!
I think that there is a strong sense of divisiveness in some of what is being posted here. Hearing people and deaf people are the same… except for the hearing part. What I mean is: some of us get uncomfortable with things that are unfamiliar to them, and therefore, evasive – both hearing and deaf. Others will be mocking of those who are different than they – both hearing and deaf. Some are curious – both hearing and deaf. Some… many… are interested, and kind, and loving, and inclusive, and accepting – both hearing and deaf. Think about it.
One of the best friends I’ve had in life happens to be deaf and when I first met her, I said a horrible thing. I saw her signing to her daughter and asked her (in ASL) if her daughter was deaf or if she was teaching her sign language. It hadn’t even occurred to me that she was possibly the one that was deaf. I have always felt ashamed of that moment. Despite my own stupidity, we became friends and spent the next several years doing so much together and raising our kids together. She moved to OH a couple of years ago and I miss her every single day. I am sure that I have said plenty of well-meaning, but stupid things to her over the years and, for those, I truly apologize.
But at least you made a wonderful friend! (and probably never asked someone that again
I have a lot of people assume I’m either signing to my son because he has hearing loss, or because I’m doing baby sign w him. I had a lady on a bus once come up to me out of nowhere and keep asking me “why are you doing that? Why are you signing to him? He can talk!” I hope my polite reply prevented her from asking anyone else that.
Hi, Indi:
Totally thrilled I found this blog! I am an interpreter and run a non profit that helps Hearing people incorporate Deaf into businesses, I have a web site and put your blog as a wonderful resource for others that may want to learn more about how to interact with the Deaf. Thank you for taking the time to teach us all a bit more about what not to do and also what we can do! I hope it’s okay that I shared, seems you want to get the word out, so I also put it on my Facebook page
Thank you very much, CJ!
I am a hearie born in a family with a few deaf persons in it. I disagree with some things said in “10 Things you should never say to Deaf Person blog” but the first thing many deaf persons does when they see that I can hear is try to talk to me using their voice, and for one it is very hard for most hearing persons to understand them because their voice is distorted also they often talk loudly. I often when I meet a deaf person who has good speech tell them. I don’t see how it can be insulting. It is not putting them down. its the same as if someone told me I look good to day should I be insulted because it implys that I do not look good the rest of the days. No! I say Thank You and leave it at that. I feel that you must understand that most of the hearies have not been around deaf people and do not understand what deafness is. They are trying. I suggest that they be given a chance. I understand and there are some who are just jerks but it would be the same as if someone were missing a leg or a eye.
What do you mean???
I agree with your 10 points and relate fully to each one. I have another to add that happens frequently and happened in church today! “I was watching you do all that mumbo jumbo this morning… ” my response, “all you hearing people say EVERYWHERE is mumbo jumbo to me”
Oh! Some text didn’t appear due to use of symbols! While the man made that comment, he was flapping his hands about like an idiot.. As you all may very well have experienced yourself
One of the things that I like best about this thread, as well as the 10 comments on your list, is that when said, they provide opportunities for teachable moments–those small windows of time when a person has taken a few seconds to pause her own busy life and consider what it might be like to live in another person’s world. She may be way off base, but she’s just opened that window wide enough for you to teach her what it is like to be deaf.
As the parent of two amazing deaf children (who have grown to be equally wonderful adults), I, too, have heard each of those comments, again and again through the years, and I discovered that if I responded with patience and kindness, the comment-maker seemed less afraid of something she didn’t understand just a few minutes ago. Wouldn’t the world be a much better place if we each took the time to get to know what it was like to walk in another person’s shoes?
If I could hit “like” on your comment, I would.
Thank you for reading, and for sharing your thoughts.
Funny is When I went to college, In the reading class on the first day, A gal asked me how did I become deaf so I explained how I became deaf which i was more than happy to so then when I was done with my story, I asked her How did you become Hearing? She stuttered and said I’m gonna have to ask my parent. All kids in our class broke down with full of laughter! She never came back to that class ever..
reposted
Thank you
Brilliant article and I go through this almost on a daily basis!
I’m not Deaf but I am hard of hearing and wear hearing aids. People assume that because I have hearing aids suddenly, I have super sonic hearing. I’m not an X-Man! And if I had super powers, sonic hearing would NOT be one of them.
Funny, I wrote my own list about what not to say to a cancer patient. Yep, I’m that too! So I get the stupid twice. People don’t think before they speak.
I am a cancer patient, too, Vanessa, and I SO know what you mean!
Also, my kids are over 8 years apart, and everyone always ask if they are from two different marriages. I tell them, “No, it just took me 8 years to get over labor! ha ha!
I myself am deaf (really, HOH) and I love your blog. Agreed to it 100%.
I like that commit. Is who idea on the commit.
I can understand read your about everything.
Deaf people can do it ! But hearing people can’t see viewpoint from deaf people are world. I am not sure 100% hearing people did course the ASL program but they possible taking advantage from deaf people can sign anywhere.
I am an interpreter, and have worked in both college and high school environments, and have many close deaf friends and the dumbest thing I’ve been asked about my friends/clients is: “When they have sex, do they make noise?” SERIOUSLY??? You expect me to have an answer for that?!?! I’m not in the room with them when they do what they do behind closed doors!!! And FRANKLY, that’s none of YOUR business!!!! People really DON’T think before they speak!!!
I work in the school system as an interpreter. I’m sorry but because of some of the deaf kids I work with #3 seems a perfectly valid question to me.
As for #10, I never thought of it as saying speech is such a wonderful thing. I tell some hearing people that their signing is really good too. But, I only ever say #10 if the Deaf person comments on their speech themselves.
This was really helpful… thankfully I’ve been immune to most of the awkward comments, except “you speak really well.” I have members in my own family who are hearing who have speech issues and take speech classes, so I guess I’m thankful and amazed for you in a very good way that despite any beginning difficulty, you’ve been able to master clear speech. I think the key is exposure – a lot of the times hearing people aren’t exposed to the Deaf Culture and anything new and perceived as different from themselves is strange. ASL is such a beautiful language that before I took my own classes in it, I was privvy to staring at folks signing – the same way I would try to listen in on folks speaking spanish and I was learning that too (I know, stop being a snoop). I think patience is key, education is key, gentleness is key… the more hearing folks are exposed and perceptions demistified, the easier I guess it will be all around. I brought my own children to my ASL classes to meet my instructors who were deaf and they asked the same questions: “Can you drive? Can you speak? Can you lipread?” (FYI – I love your comment – it’s not a superpower!). I explained it all to my kids and now they understand and won’t have to ask those questions again. Thanks for the article – really great insight.
I think it’s GREAT that you brought your kids to class with you. I think if everyone had just a little bit of exposure/education, so many misunderstandings would be avoided.
I recently had an appointment with a DEA (Disability Employment Advisor) at my local Job Centre, and she was such a cow, she had to stretch her words and do the worst impression of a fish, surely she knows I’m deaf and can heat with a Cochlear Implant but there is no need to elongate your words in slo-motion…
Intention is so important. I believe it’s something we feel regarding the person addressing us. Are they just clueless? Uncomfortable? Insensitive? Patronizing? or possibly operating without a “filter” ? Lots of people missing a filter out there. I love how this discussion highlights how these questions and comments can be perceived so differently.
I read with interest and have started to think of a post along similar lines but more with an eye towards teaching people how to relate to deaf people.
I do have one major question. What is the difference between a deaf person or a hard of hearing person? Is it a matter of percentages? Is a person with a little hearing, therefore a hard of hearing person?
I find that I am deaf to the hearing and hearing to the deaf community. I don’t seem fit into either mold and it is more because I am completely deaf in one ear and 10% hearing in the other but I lip read very effectively and have very good speech sounds.
This is a really good question (and I’m sorry it took me so long to get back to you!). Medically speaking, hearing loss over 90 db is classified as profoundly deaf. At this range, there is still *some* residual hearing. It varies from person to person how much hearing aids will help them, but there are actually very few people with absolutely no residual hearing.
Whether someone calls themselves hard of hearing or deaf, however, is about personal choice and how they feel comfortable identifying. I have found that the more involved with the Deaf community a person is, the more they will feel comfortable calling themselves D/deaf. Someone had given me a great list for the different ways someone can identify as D/deaf, but I can’t find it right now.
I know what you mean about feeling like you’re deaf to the hearing community, and hearing to the Deaf community. When you rely a lot on lipreading, you have good speech, and you may not be fluent in sign, it can kind of leave you on the edges of the community sometimes. My suggestion for you… is to be gentle with YOURSELF, and claim whatever label you feel fits you right now. The more comfortable *you are* with that, and with asking for what you need from your hearing friends, the more you will be accepted in both communities. (Also, because I really love ASL and have found it to help my confidence a LOT, I suggest you work on your sign, if you haven’t already – and of course, if YOU enjoy it.)
I wish you luck finding your space. Feel free to ask more questions – I promise not to take so long next time!
I understand your dilemma. I am profoudly deaf, and so call myself Deaf. Hearing people seem to be afraid to use the word deaf, and say that I have a hearing disability. What’s the difference? As I have had considerable speech therapy, my speech on the whole is understandable. I can’t Sign fluently. So the Signers regard me as ‘hearing’ or ‘hard of hearing’. I prefer to apply ‘hard of hearing’ to those who can still hear for communication but have difficulty owing to some loss of hearing. (I am a lipreader, and can’t use hearing aid. I feel I am too old to try cochlear implant.)
“You don’t look deaf.”
More than one person has said this to me. I actually replied to one, “well, you don’t look *cough*stupid*cough*.”
I saw a shirt that says on the front “Well, you don’t *sound* stupid to me” and then under that it says “but then again, I *am* deaf.” This shirt would be perfect for these situations.
i m also a lip reader but not so much…i dont feel much problem….using a hear aid in my left ear but what makes me feel low is i cant talk properly on cellphone….n sometime i feel hard to understand while a person speaks at my back…what should i do
Have you tried using a captioning service? If you’re in the states or canada, you can use something like clearcaptions.com or http://www.captel.com/webcaptel for your calls, which allows you to do voice carry over. There’s also IP relay, which means an interpreter voices what you type, and types the other side of the conversation for you. I find there to be too much delay with IP, and don’t use it any more. If you know ASL, you can use something like P3 (http://www.purple.us/), which is free and also works on your mobile. I usually prefer to voice for myself on those calls as well, and if I’m using the streamer I can at least catch voice tones from the other end. People don’t usually know that I’m even using relay.
It was hard for me to accept that I couldn’t talk on the phone without support anymore. I spent a lot of time trying, catching only tones and garbled sounds and trying to fake it, but once I figured out the whole free captions/relay thing, it stopped being an issue.
As for people speaking to your back… Let them know that doesn’t work. Tell your friends that you need to see them in order to understand them. If you catch the sound of someone speaking behind you (not sure how much you can hear), turn around, and tell them that you don’t understand them. I have told my friends that my hearing aids tell me THAT people are speaking near me, not WHAT they are saying. That seems to help them remember.
Hope this helps!
I have hearing loss also and I’m 14 and I have problem speaking most of my words but I don’t like when I speak they say what?
and another is how do u get guys to like when they notice that u have problems and they won’t like you as much?
Oh my gosh #1 happens to me all the time!
I found your blog on Pinterest. OMG: love, love your blog. There is a couple of things that I wanna add tho:
I get this all the time: But you don’t *LOOK* Deaf! I mean, come on, really? Just what does Deaf folks supposed to look like, eh??
I have had some one liners from Hearing guys such as this:
Can I take you home and sleep with you? So, I can compare you to a hearing lady in bed? Can you say: blech???
One more thing: My husband co-workers finds out that his wife (aka me) how we have sex in the dark? I nearly choked when I heard that from him. He decided to use this as a education of some sort. I wasn’t too happy with him at all.
Number 8, 9, and 10 is a real problem for me. I, also, speak extremely well but can’t lip read all too well anymore. There are times when I wish I didn’t learn how to speak, I think it would have my life a bit more easier.
Off to read more of your post. Keep it up!
I’m SO glad you found my blog, and like it!
Ohmygod, hearing guys. *facepalm* Worst pickup line, ever.
I have found that if I approach new conversations (for example, the other day at the DMV) with a notepad (or in this case, my phone) and don’t start speaking, things go *much* easier – for both parties, I think. Good luck!
I think some of these are unfair to both those that can hear and those that cannot hear. I have a cousin who is profoundly deaf due to a life-saving medication 35+ years ago that killed his hearing, and I have dated a girl (for multiple years) with a cochlear implant.
A lot of these questions are due to sheer curiosity. People, like them or not, are inquisitive creatures. I only met my first blind person (despite encountering many, many HoH and D/deaf folks over the years) a couple of years ago. And if we’re going on the scale of how much something changes your life, being blind is certainly way up there.
I think #10 is unfair. Hearing folks aren’t stupid (well, a lot of them are), but in this day when we have regional dialects and other audible cues about where someone is from, the typical D/deaf voice does provide some cues that the person is D/deaf.
The problem is that it sounds closely to someone who is a victim of some sort of mental retardation. Now, before you grab the pitchforks and lynch me, understand that 30 seconds talking to someone will tell you that the person is either HoH or D/deaf. But the audible miscues alert a hearing person to the fact that there’s something “up.”
Not “wrong,” not a disability, just that there’s a difference. If someone talks to you for more than 30 seconds to a minute, they will know that you don’t fall into the class of mentally disabled or cerebral palsy or anything like that. But there are folks out there who are not educated or exposed or learn-ed that will make a connection and ask stupid Qs. But someone complementing you on how well you speak, especially as someone who has seen a CI person (in very compromising situations, I might add
) and someone who has a completely D/deaf and mute relative, at least they’re trying to understand, and it IS a complement, especially if you’ve never heard your own voice outside of vibrations in your head.
And for those who have never heard their own voice, know this: hearing folks hear a VERY distorted version of their voice in their own head. It is so weird to hear a recording of yourself, because you sound NOTHING like what you think you do. I hate my voicemail recording and when I hear recordings of my voice. Sound like a nerd.
Best wishes to everyone!
As someone who has so much exposure to deaf/hh people, I am quite surprised that you feel it’s okay to use words like “mute” and “audible miscues.” While we’re at it, the term “mental retardation” hasn’t been used in about 30 years. People who have special needs are not “victims,” either. In what part of the world does a deaf woman want to date a man that considers her a “victim” who sounds like they might be “retarded” and puts peoples’ personal challenges on a “scale”?? Wow.
My wonderful sister-in-law is deaf, and I am afraid that I may have done or said some things that should not of been said. Thankfully, she is so kind, and calmly slows her signing down 50% so i can understand, and hasn’t ONCE gotten angry with me because of my ignorance. This article was very helpful, thank-you!
One question, (that may be a bit ignorant, but i would like to know, and don’t have the guts to ask my sister in law) I have heard from some people that if I can’t sign that well, I should not attempt to sign to strangers who are deaf because I may offend them with my lack of “pronunciation” or accidently cursing in sign.
Thanks!
Hello! I’m glad your sister in law is patient
Generally, people are pretty awesome and understanding if you’re making an effort.
My answer to your question is this: is it a situation that you would normally walk up to a hearing stranger and start talking? If the answer is no, then you probably should not go up to random deaf strangers and start signing at them. If you’re at, say, a social with deaf people, or it’s a situation where you would talk to them if they were hearing, then you should be fine. Mistakes can be made. If you’re honest upfront that you’re learning, then most people are understanding. I have many amusing stories of horribly embarrassing mistakes I’ve made. It’s kind of part of the process
The thing you want to avoid is running up to every person that you see signing and assuming that they want to sign with you, too. Hope that helps!
Kick me if I’m wrong, but after watching press conferences of the east coast mayors, they have signers beside them. Now I’m not deaf, but is it condescending to deaf folks that they think you don’t know what’s going on, and can’t read?!!
If there is a press conference giving information to hearing people, why wouldn’t deaf/hard of hearing need access to it as well?
The last few days, there have been a lot of discussions about how there needs to be *more* access to information for the deaf and hard of hearing – especially during times of emergency.
Greg, you are wrong. It isn’t condescending, in this case, they were providing information for safety reasons to the population as a whole, and this includes the d/hh population. Having an interpreter (that is what your “signers” are called) next to them allow full access to the information. Yes there are captions, but especially with live press conferences, the captions aren’t going to be 100% accurate, because someone who is already in a panic due to the extreme weather is having to listen and type and get information accurate. Another thing, captions are normally 10-15 seconds behind what is being said at least, when going to a comercial, it cuts off much of the information, so if something important was said in the last 20 seconds or so, we may not have all the information. Some Deaf people would rather watch an interpreter anyways when it comes to live information (myself included) because then we can not only see the information coming across, but we can also get the body language you can not get from closed captions. When it comes to a movie on the other hand, I would rather have closed captions than watch one interpreter sign the entire movie…
you made one very important statement in your comment, you aren’t deaf, you don’t know what it is like, you don’t know how we aren’t given equal access to information in the first place, having the options, ASL interpeter, and captioning when important ensures there isn’t a deaf person out there who doesn’t have the information (and is watching of course). Once again, captions kinda suck sometimes, they cut off information often, the information and the words aren’t always right… I am proud to say there were interpreters.
if information is being given to the hearing population, it is important the information is accessible to the deaf and hard of hearing population as well.
for number 4, I say “well, I bet I am more deaf than you!” and usually we laugh. I think it is rather amusing to take the piss out of my being deaf (my flatmates call me the Cripple, hee hee!). Number 5 – I can lipread seriously far across the room, it is my party trick. Can anyone else?
I do think points 9 and 10 are much the same point. I consider it a huge compliment to be told I don’t sound deaf / my speech is fabulous, because a lot of money and time and hard work has gone into just that.
What a great attitude you have, Alice.
I’d love to hang out at a party with someone who could lipread that well. ha HA!
LOL! Love this! Gonna to share on my blog, TheDeafia.com!
Thank you!!
My speech sounds like a hearing person..without seeing my hearing aids most people don’t realize that I am hard of hearing/Deaf. This is such a drawback sometimes because, like you said, people don’t take it seriously that I can’t hear them. I read lips, and I was lucky enough to have enough hearing left and an extremely adaptable personality so that I can imitate how voice sounds. I loved this post because I completely agree
I guess life is in some ways the same for everyone who has a disability that is not visible to the naked eye. They just don’t understand what we are talking about. Without any specific comparison, I often get mis understood when I tell people that there are things I can’t do. I have nerve damages due to a broken neck which I suffered in a car accident when I was 13. It means I have very poor balance and partial paralysis in my legs and arms, but for those who don’t know me, they just don’t understand why I’m not stuck in a wheelchair. How can I walk when I have had a broken neck, why can I use my arms and breathe without a respirator? People have even asked me if I lost any intelligence when I broke my neck!!!! I get many variations of the comments mentioned in this blog. If I show people the legbraces I use, I often get “oh, you poor thing” and then they start to talk really slow to me or backing off. Some have even begun to cry because they feel bad for me. I try to tell them that I have a very good life even though I can’t run a marathon or be on So you think you can dance. Don’t feel sorry for me, I’m lucky to be alive. I’ll take a disability over death any day
Monica, just as a heads-up… deaf and HH people do not like to be referred to as being “disabled” any more than you like people to ask you if you lost intelligence when you broke your neck. Not being snarky, just for future reference.
I really needed to discuss this unique post, “10 Things You Should Never Say to a Deaf Person
Becoming Deaf” along with my best good friends on facebook or twitter.
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Regards, Sonya
Thank you for writing this piece. As a hearing person trying to learn more about deaf culture, it is realy helpful to learn from the people that live in that culture, expert help is always good. As you have said in your earlier comments, I know that if I have said some of the things you’ve mentioned, I have never done it to be mean or disrespectful, but I can also understand that deaf people can be offended by it. I, for my part, will surely try to improve on this point. Nobody’s perfect, but at least I am trying to do my part. I am currently studying both Norwegian and American sign language. I find it both interesting and enriching to my life, work and communication knowledge to study these variations of sign language. Also, if I may, I will suggest to those who want to see how such situations can turn out, but cannot see it in a deaf community, should watch Switched at birth. That tv series has been a real eye opener for me. To me, it would seem like the closes thing to reality as one could come without actually living in a deaf community. Am I right? Anyway, keep up the good work, it is much needed. Kindest regards from Monica in Norway
I have a slight issue with 4. Has someone ACTUALLY said to you “Oh, I can’t hear at concerts.”? I am hearing, as is my family, but my mother’s hearing has always been off and is getting worse with age. While she isn’t deaf, she DOES struggle with communication every once in a while and I know she finds it very frustrating when she has to ask people to repeat themselves–Especially when they say “Nevermind” because they don’t feel like it. So while I’m sure we’re all very ignorant and couldn’t possibly grasp the concept of being deaf, I feel like you’re misinterpreting something to exploit people you can’t relate to.
Kate – Yes, more than one person has ACTUALLY said to me “Oh, I know exactly what you mean. I have a hard time hearing conversations when I’m in noisy environments. Like the other night when I was at the concert…” I’ve also gotten the examples of at the bar, loud restaurants, and once when we were downtown for a parade.
As I’ve said in my other comments, I usually just smile and take this comment (and all the others) as they are usually intended – a way of connecting, of showing support. It doesn’t come across that way, but I know that most of the time people are unaware of that. It’s that unawareness that prompted the blog post.
Cheers,
Indi
I became interested in ASL after viewing a new TV series with Deaf actors. I’ve been teaching myself ASL through an online class but haven’t yet had an opportunity to sign with anyone. A few weeks ago, a new guy started at work who is deaf. I’d really like to meet him but I’m confident that my signing is pretty terrible. Also, I don’t want him to think that I want to meet him only because he’s deaf because that is certainly not the case. He seems like a lot of fun and I’m really attracted to him. I’ve never asked anyone out before but I would love to get to know him. Why is this so complicated for me!!???
Cate – As someone starting a new job, maybe the new guy would like his new coworkers to say hi and introduce themselves. Think about it this way – if he was just the new guy, and not the new deaf guy, would you feel comfortable just saying, “Hey, I’m cate, how is it going for you?” As for terrible signing, I wouldn’t worry too much about that – I’m assuming your coworkers probably don’t all sign, so you are ahead of the game there. I would just definitely not approach it as you’re so cute and deaf, let’s date. That can really put people off. Good luck!
The comment “Wow, your speech is so good” isn’t offensive to me and doesn’t make me self-conscious at all…in fact, I take it as a compliment! However, this is generally true for most Deaf people…and even for me, it gets tiresome and outlives its usefulness. The dumbest thing a Hearing person will ever say is if I can drive…like DUH! Why do they assume it requires being able to hear in order to drive? Driving is all visual! And statistics have proved that the safest drivers in the country are Deaf drivers! So please never, ever, ever ask this dumb question!
I think the article touches on lots of different issues, and well written but I’m gonna add some stuff that wasn’t touched on.
I really dislike it when I ask someone to repeat something and they reply “never mind it wasn’t important”. If it wasn’t important than why voice it to begin with? This has happened to me with strangers as well as family and friends.
If I say I can’t hear you, what makes you think speaking louder is going to make it better?
Don’t automatically assume that because I can’t hear the rest of my body doesn’t work
I really dislike when people think a HA or CI are a cure all. That having these devices make the hearing loss/deafness suddenly vanish. Having them can make situations easier but we still have a hearing loss/deaf.
As someone who is deaf, I have to work extra hard when trying to understand others.
We make it look easy, because of practice, practice, practice. Just like a violinist or singer has to practice daily to become an artist, the deaf and hard of hearing have to practice daily as well.
Many people assume because they don’t know, some don’t wanna know but I do notice that many people are curious and really want to take the time to understand.
Meredith
SO true… I understand so much on what you are saying in this Meredith. I am deaf myself and I hate it when i ask someone to repeat and they say nevermind….Everything in here hit the button with me
Liz
Who wrote the article “10 Things You should Never Say to a Deaf Person”? It is important to identify by name who wrote it. Plagarism has run rampant lately.
This post was written by me, Indi. There are a few other posts about things hearing people say, and a couple of people have asked my permission to share this post on their blogs, providing a link back and attributing me as the author. If you see a post you are concerned about, please let me know.
Snarky, and reverse-discriminating.. but educational. I’ll make it a point not to start a conversation with a deaf person as to avoid insulting them with my ignorance.
Emily –
This post wasn’t meant to be insulting or snarky, or to say that you should never speak to someone who is different than yourself for fear of offending them.
Thanks,
Indi
Seriously? Emily, you need a hard-core lesson in diversity. What a terrible thing to say.
The Cochlear Implant was on PBS medical program, some people think it is a cure all, pardon the pun but if the people listened it is not a cure all , just a good start. The problem with me, I mean no offense by slowing down, I do it so they can understand me , I tend to talk way to fast & I don’t do pronunciations very well.
I really like those. those comments and questions are definitely offensive and demeaning. but, may I ask you this without trying to offend in any way, does one preferably keep friends within the Deaf community because hearing people can be ignorant like that? or is it possible that maybe a hearing person could become a good friend, learning Asl of course? I’m interested in the community, always have since a friend I had in grade school. now as an adult, i want to learn Asl and I’d really like to have a friend who is a part of this community. i want to teach my daughter adversity and that we as humans are different from one another, but we have the ability to build bridges over differences.
OMGOSHH!!! Lol!!! Im not deaf for my part but my husband is deaf… I think im the one who gets bothered more than my husband…cuz sumtimes the questions are asked to me… Why is he deaf? He knows how to read? He knows how to drive? How can u talk to him? All these stupid questions make me angry…i wish i can say it all the 10 things in one sentence so they would understand…now i know wut to tell them wen anothet stupid ? Is asked… I luv my hubby so much….that for me… Im willing to defend him…no matter what…PEOPLE PLS DEAF ATE NOT RETARDED
Every group has things that they get sick of hearing. I’m sure blind people get sick of “can you see my shadow?” and gay people get tired of “are you the male or the female in the relationship?” I completely understand the writer’s point but I don’t think it can be avoided. I think they are just trying their best to engage in conversation.
Are you deaf or retarded?
I work in a law firm, and we have some potential clients who are deaf, so this has been helpful. Is it impolite to ask a deaf person if they can read lips? Also, do you appreciate it if a “hearie” learns some basic signs (welcome, have a seat, would you like something to drink, I’ll tell the attorney you are here)… even if they are not perfect? Or would that make me seem silly?
Megan – Some people can be a little put-off if you ask if they can read lips. My experience has been if someone asks me if I read lips and I say yes, then suddenly all the burden of trying to communicate is on me. People tend to expect me to be able to keep up with all the conversation, while they continue to forget to look at me and move around and cover their mouths. A better way to phrase it would maybe be “How do you prefer to communicate?” or “what works best for you?” They may prefer to write. Also, for me at least, anyone who learns even basic signs is NOT silly – I greatly appreciate it, and it’s helpful. It shows effort on your part.
The last point on your list is interesting because they are trying to make a compliment–a very naive compliment, sure, but that is their intent. It’s a skill to speak and be understood. It’s an even greater accomplishment to fool hearing people by the quality of your speech ability.
You know, I totally understand #4, because people say stuff like that to autistics all the time. “Oh, I think we’re all a little bit autistic, really.” “You know, everyone struggles with social skills a little. You’re not the only one.” Wow… thanks for TOTALLY dismissing me.
As a profoundly deaf person who doesn’t even use his voice, I can totally relate to all the lists. If you want to generate more of interesting responses/reactions from the hearing people, you should try to turn off your voice and actually use ASL directly to a McDonalds cashier when you order your combo. It’s quite funny to see how some of them would actually take it in the stride and try to sign back to you while some others would go “um… Um…” then awkwardness would ensued, which is even funnier. I never open with, “I’m deaf..” before ordering something.
Wow, some of that makes you a bit of a dick. McDonald cashiers are mainly kids, right – and you’re saying it’s fun to make them feel awkward and/or inadequate? Essentially what you’re condoning is that going to their workplace and having a laugh at their expense is cool. It isn’t.
We all have to work within the confines of our abilities to communicate, with patience, which is what brings me here as I have occasional foot in mouth disease when face to face with people.
I found this entry really informative. Thanks to the author – I’ll certainly take it to heart. Most of the items I think are common sense but I can see myself saying the last one for instance. I found your blog when looking for help with approaching a deaf person I exchange waves with but would like to get to know.
I know you meant well, but you misunderstood me. It wasn’t coming from bad place. I don’t use my voice because nobody really understand anything that comes out of my mouth. I sign to them in an attempt to “communicate” with them, not to make fun of them. Yes some awkwardness would ensue, I always laugh at the awkwardness itself, not at them. That’s just how I am.
If anything, you are actually underestimating the McD “kids” because most of them would actually try to sign back to me and take it in the stride. You’d be surprised at their willingness to give sign language a try. If they don’t know any sign language, at least they are being exposed to it; and some may go home to learn more about it. Case in point, when I go back to the same McD with the same cashier who didn’t even know ASL in the first place, would actually learned some ASL just for me. It IS fun to discover some cashiers brave enough to sign back to a deaf person like me. So, if that makes me a bit of dick, then so be it, but you need to come off your high horse and cut me some slack.
I get a lot of similar reactions when I tell people I’m autistic. Especially the ‘oh, I know how you feel’ then cite something much milder. Plus telling me all about the latest quack treatment, at which point I usually launch into a detailed explanation of why that treatment is bunk. I’ve also had people suddenly start treating me like I’m a child.
Love the last one saying that people say about speech being so good and clear and things.. I get this one all the time.. well it definantly does make it harder for people to understandmy deafness as well. it is as well very frusterating because then people don’t believe me that i am deaf. How to explain??
When I was a kid my best friend was a deaf boy named, Weslie who was also in a wheelchair. Admittedly, when I first met him I had absolutely no idea how to even begin to talk to him or even react to him. I kind of just sat on the swing beside him that his mom was pushing him on and smiled at him shyly (i was a shy kid). He was the first to say hi and introduced himself (with his moms help because when he switched to ASL I didn’t know what he was saying). After I introduced myself we quickly became friends. We’d always meet at the park or some times I’d go over to his house to play. He even came over to my house a few times. Eventually, over time I learned ASL from both him and his mom so that kind of helped us communicate as well. Yeah it took a little patience but once you’ve got it its not that hard.The one thing that had always driven me crazy was when we were at the park and other kids would come over to play but as soon as they saw that he was deaf and had a wheelchair they’d ignore him and only talk to me. I used to always argue with people because of that. Especially when people would call him doubt and ask me why I hung out with a kid like him. I’d always come back with “Why wouldn’t I? He’s no different then you and I” which is true, regardless of being in a wheelchair, and being deaf. I’m sure if we had stayed in contact when I moved we would still be friends today. I still think about him and miss him even now. And to think that back then I was only 5 and he was 7 and I still remember him. He definitely had a big impact on my like. My mom still can’t believe I remember him so clearly.
I just wanted to stop by and show some love. No I am not deaf or Hard of Hearing but, I love ASL. Both of my boys ages 1 and 3 are not deaf and they know ASL forwards and back. I believe that everyone should be treated equally and making rude remarks or eye rolls only show the ignorance of others. I once had to help a man at a movie theater. He was trying to buy a ticket for a CC movie and the cashier was refusing to sell him the ticket because he could not understand what he was trying to “say”. He was using his voice as well as signs and the teenager was just rude. He tried telling the man that he was using his voice so he must be able to hear and therefor he did not need to see the movie with closed captioning. I was astonished! There was another time when a man at an air port was trying to buy his ticket and the woman kept selling him the wrong flight. It not only happened twice but four times! I was so happy to be there and blessed to be on the flight he was. I was able to switch my seat to further help him with the process of check-in, layovers and to baggage claim. If only people would get their acts together there wouldn’t be such heartache. I have nothing but the utmost respect and understanding when it comes to people of the deaf community. Praise to you for such a wonderfully written blog! I’m sorry this was a bit off topic but I had to share my stories. Keep up the great work!
Thank you for stopping by, and sharing your stories!
What’s it like having Deaf parent’s?
I never ask, What’s it like to have hearing parents.